


We woke with the mourning sound

by jule1122



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Learning To Communicate, M/M, alex gets a dog, alex writes letters, mentions of child abuse, michael sends emails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27453511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jule1122/pseuds/jule1122
Summary: When Alex leaves Roswell, he and Michael stay in touch.  Through letters and emails, they open up to each other.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 30
Kudos: 140





	We woke with the mourning sound

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Mourning Sound" by Grizzly Bear
> 
> Letters and emails are in italics. There is a brief description of some of the abuse Alex went though. Nothing about Alex's work in the Air Force is intended to be accurate.

Timing is everything, and for once Alex thinks it is on his side. After a few pleasant, but ultimately lackluster, dates with Forrest, Greg drops off several boxes of Jesse’s papers he found when clearing out the house. So he cancels his next date with Forrest, sets aside his unfinished song lyrics and turns his attention back to dismantling Project Sheppard. 

It doesn’t take long to find something worth investigating, and Alex knows what he needs to do. With renewed purpose, he makes plans quickly suddenly desperate to make up for the ground he lost chasing ghosts. He doesn't’ regret the time he spent learning Tripp’s story, not exactly. Alex needed, probably more than realized, to know he wasn’t genetically predisposed to genocide, that his family was capable of love. And he can never regret everything Michael and Isobel learned about their mothers, what Michael learned about Sanders. He still has hope that good things will come for Mimi and Maria as well so none of that time was wasted.

But he should have been able to discover the truth about what happened after the crash without losing sight of his ultimate goals to protect Michael and destroy his father. If he’d been focused, his father never would have been able to display a full intact alien console at CrashCon without him knowing about it. Instead Jesse had been moments from getting everything he wanted, Michael and all aliens dead along with countless others, all because Alex was chasing a happy ending he knew didn’t exist. Tripp may have loved Nora, but that didn’t save her from a lifetime of imprisonment, it didn’t save Michael from never knowing his mother, it didn’t save Louise from living in silence without her daughters. Love changed nothing. 

Within a week, Alex has everything in place to leave Roswell. It’s more a relief than he expected. Alex thought he was resigned to staying in Rsowell to take care of Project Sheppard, but now that he has another option, he realizes how much being here wears on him. Everyday someone stops him to talk about Jesse. The same people who turned a blind eye to his bruises and bandages wait for him to agree when they tell him what a great man Jesse was and how much the community feels his loss. And when he walks away without a word, he is the one to feel the weight of their disapproval and scorn.

There is no one keeping him in Roswell. Liz is gone, his relationship with Max and Isobel revolved around Michael and his discoveries about aliens. With no currently looming alien crisis, Kyle is focused on his girlfriend and rebuilding his professional reputation. Maria and Rosa are rediscovering their friendship as well as figuring what being alien means to them. It means they spend most of their time together or with the other aliens. Seeing them together makes Alex happy, but he knows he doesn’t have a place with them right now. And Michael, Michael, hasn’t spoken to him since he walked out the Pony while Alex was singing. 

He leaves his goodbyes for the last minute. The only ones he expects to kick up a fuss about a going away party are Kyle and Rosa so he plans to text them once he’s several states away. The night before he leaves, he calls Greg. Despite what they both said about the distance between the Reservation and Roswell, they’ve both been too busy for in person visits, instead talking and texting frequently. Knowing their relationship won’t be impacted greatly by his moving was a deciding factor in his requesting the transfer.

They say their goodbyes, but Alex hesitates before hanging up. “Next time you talk to Flint, let him know where I am.”

He ends the call before Greg can respond. Alex hasn’t spoken to Flint since his kidnapping, hasn’t seen him since Jesse’s funeral, but Greg has let him know about the few times Flint has contacted him. He tries not to put too much weight on the fact that it’s easier for Flint to forgive Greg for killing their father than it is for him to accept Alex loving Michael. He’s giving it time, waiting to see how much of what Flint became is his father’s influence, waiting to see who he still might become in Jesse’s absence. Hope is a dangerous thing, but Alex won’t give up on Flint just yet.

Once his car is packed and his house closed up, he drives to The Wild Pony. It’s still early so he’s confident he’ll find Maria alone setting up for the day. The music’s loud enough that he’s not sure she hears him come in. He watches as she sings along while restocking the glassware. When there’s a break in the lyrics she looks up, smile bright and welcoming when she sees him.

“Alex! What a nice surprise.”

She sets a beer on the bar despite the early hour, but he shakes his head as he sits down across from her. “Not today, I have a long drive ahead of me.”

“Another recruiting trip? Honestly I don’t know why they make you do those.”

“New posting,” he watches as her face falls. “I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.”

Maria walks around the bar and sits on the stool next to him, taking his hands. “Is it goodbye?”

“I don’t know,” Alex squeezes her hands. “But I promise to keep in touch this time. I don’t want to miss another ten years of your life.”

“It’s not,” she begins hesitantly, “your not leaving because of”

“No,” he cuts her off quickly and firmly. “This is work, nothing more. I promise.”

“You’re sure?”

He nods as she eyes him critically. He knows she’s trying to read him, and he does the best he can not to hold back his emotions, not to hide behind the walls he spent years building. He hopes she feels the love and affection he has for her, the peace he feels being around her.

“Ok,” she finally relents. “But I go on record as hating this. And if you don’t call me at least once a week, I will hunt you down.”

“Fair,” he pulls her in for a tight hug, grateful he’d found a way to be hurt but not angry, and he still has her in his life.

“Hey, you tell him yet?” she asks when he’s almost to the door.

“That’s my next stop,” he answers, not needing to ask who she means. “It’s fine, Maria. He’ll probably be relieved. All I do is hurt him.”

“Alex, I still don’t know a lot about the two of you,” she gives him a look that lets him know exactly whose fault that is. “But I know enough, I _see_ enough to know there is a lot more than hurt between you.”

He doesn’t say anything, just hugs her again. When he steps back, he tucks her curls behind her ears and kisses her on the forehead before leaving. He lingers in the parking lot longer than he should, staring at the sign and wishing there was a way to leave Roswell without leaving this behind as well.

He finds Michael under the hood of a jeep, and he waits patiently for him to step back and wipe his hands off. No one else is around so he knows Michael takes his time on purpose. “You have a minute,” he asks when Michael finally looks at him.

“Yeah.”

The airstream’s back at the junkyard so he leads Alex to the chairs he always has set up in front of it. Once they both sit, he looks at Alex and sighs. “I don’t like that face.”

Alex doesn't know what face he’s making, but he feels like the conversation is already off to a bad start. “Greg gave me all the records he found when he cleaned out the house,” he says, deciding just to dive right in.

“That must have been some great bedtime reading. What new horrors have you come to share with the class?”

Alex looks away, looks up and stares at the sun until it blinds him. He thought, hoped, they were past this. “I don’t know,” he finally admits because Michael’s not wrong. In the end, whatever he does will most likely end with the discovery of even more atrocities committed by his family. 

“That wasn’t fair.”

Once his vision clears, sun spots fading away, he sees Michael rubbing his face.

“I’m just tired, you know.” And the more Alex looks, the more he sees it. “I thought we might finally catch a break from all this shit, but it just never ends.”

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?” He’d thought in the end maybe destroying the shed had meant something different to Michael than it did to him, that maybe for Michael it was a way to sever a tie between them. But now he wonders if Michael still sees Alex as nothing more than another Manes trying to ruin his life. 

“Nah, I told you I don’t blame you for that.”

Alex inclines his head, but doesn’t say anything. Michael has told him he’s not to blame for his family’s actions, but there have also been times he’s made it clear he thinks Alex is part of that tradition of cruelty. It’s a lot easier to believe Michael when he sees the worst in Alex.

“With your dad gone, you seemed freer. You have a chance to leave that baggage behind you. I wanted to give you space to move on, figure out who you want to be now.”

“That’s not how it works.” He wants to argue, tell Michael that he wants him in his life any way he can have him. That freedom from his father was always supposed to mean freedom to be with Michael. But he realizes now, his timing is all wrong. Telling Michael all this as he leaves town seems cruel so he tries to refocus on why he’s here. “It doesn’t matter. I found a military site in Louisiana that’s connected to Project Sheppard. My grandfather, my father and Flint all spent time there. It looks like Jesse was there recently; I think the console or whatever that was at CrashCon was stored there.”

Michael leans forward,hands braced on his knees, but he doesn’t say anything.

“There was a research facility that shut down right after the last transfer back to Caulfield.” When they first found records of transfers in and out of Caulfield, they’d hoped there were other facilities being used as prisons, that there was a chance of finding survivors. But it didn’t take long to realize the totals never changed and it was the same prisoners being moved back and forth. “Nothing in the paperwork I have explains what they were doing there, so I’m headed there now.”

“Shouldn’t you take someone with you? Cameron or even Valenti?”

Alex ignores the hurt that comes from knowing Michael has no desire to accompany him, but it makes what he has to tell him easier. “The research facility may be closed, but it’s still located on an active military base. There’s only one way to gain access. I requested a transfer, and starting Monday, I’ll be doing a complete overhaul of the security system.”

“Are you kidding me?” Michael stands up and starts pacing in front of Alex. “You’re going to transfer across the country because you think there might be some alien tech or files there. What kind of plan is that?”

“The only one that will work. When places like this shut down, people walk out and literally just lock the door behind them. Everything is still there, but no one is supposed to know about it. I’m going to need a reason to access that facility, and looking for holes in base security will give me a chance to do that.”

“And how long will you be there?”

“I don’t know. As long as it takes,” Alex throws his hands in the air, picking up on Michael’s agitation. “Even once I get access, it’s going to take time to get all the data and decode it. Anything involving aliens will be heavily encrypted and camouflaged to look like it’s about something else.”

“You have all the answers,” Michael shakes his head. “But it sounds to me like you’re just looking for a way out. Again.”

“Michael,” Alex sighs. He doesn’t want to fight with Michael and that’s what will happen if he starts throwing out accusations and trying to defend himself. He tries to think of a way to make Michael understand instead. “We don’t talk about it, but Project Sheppard was, is, more than just my family. If someone gets to this information before me, someone else who knows what they are looking for or just someone curious and tenacious enough to figure it out, it could lead them here, to you, to Max and Isobel, to Maria. I can’t take that chance. Can you?” 

He sees the moment Michael gets, when he just deflates, anger draining out of him. “I don’t have to like it.”

“I don’t either,” Alex admits. “I know how it looks, but I’m not running away. I promised to protect you, to be there for you, and right now the best way to do that is to leave.”

Michael nods. “I have been avoiding you. Sometimes it’s hard to think around you, to not just act or say the first stupid thing that comes into my head. I thought we could both use some space, but I thought we’d have time to figure it out, you know, get on the same page.”

“Me, too.” The fact that Michael still has some hope for them makes him want to do something stupid and reckless, like ask a question Michael has already answered. 

Michael must see something in his eye because he shakes his head, “Don’t.”

Alex sighs and drags his foot through the dirt. He’s not sure who he would have been trying to punish by asking Michael to come with him and forcing him to say no. “Our timing sucks,” is what he says instead. He smiles when Michael laughs, tries to memorize the way he looks in that moment. “I really do have to go.” He shoves his hands in his pockets to keep from reaching for Michael, but he can’t resist leaning forward and kissing him on the cheek before he leaves. “I’ll be in touch.”

Alex spends the first few weeks at his new posting establishing the cover that will eventually give him the freedom he’ll need once he gets access to the research facility. He plays up the idea that he’d rather be overseas, back in the action, but is resigned to being as useful as he can be after his injury. He walks a fine line in making sure his colleagues respect him enough to follow his orders without questions, but also find him to be enough of a perfectionist, pain in the ass to leave him to his own devices as much as possible.

All of his free time is spent alone, by choice, since he’ll need every available moment to decode the files once he has them. But once he gets all the security measures he needs set up at his rental house, he finds himself at loose ends most evenings. Before returning to Roswell, he’d done everything he could to blend in, to excel without drawing attention to himself. That meant bonding with his unit, nights spent drinking and hanging out even when he’d rather be alone. The last few years have been spent in a constant state of turmoil so while he thought he’d welcome the solitude, it gives him too much time to think.

Most of his thoughts center on Michael, and one night after a few beers, he starts writing.

_Dear Michael,_

_I know it would have been a mistake to ask you to come with me, We were barely speaking when I left, but I wanted to. I told you before I shouldn’t have left you behind, but I don’t think you believed me. I don’t know how to make you understand that even though I always wanted you with me, I couldn’t ask. I wanted to win battles, and the only way I knew how to do that was to hide anything that could make me weak. I couldn’t be the boy you loved, and I was afraid you’d hate the person I had to be. Instead I hated the person I become, the one that hurt you again and again. I would have been better, stronger with you, but I was too dumb and scared to see it. I’m sorry._

He surprises himself by mailing it, and is even more surprised to get an email from Michael a few days later.

_No return address, Alex, don’t think i didn’t notice that. I could find you if I wanted to, but I like this better. At least I know if you opened it or not. I’m not going to lie, it hurt every time you walked away, but that wasn’t all on you. I pushed you to leave too, and part of me was glad you never asked me to come with you. I would have said no, every time, I would have said no. And I wouldn’t have been able to tell you why. You would have stopped coming back a lot sooner than you did. And as much as I hated you for leaving, I was selfish enough to want every minute I could get. I don’t hate the person you’ve become, I could never hate you, even when I’ve tried. You are strong and kind and brilliant. You are the best person on this miserable planet. Be proud of who you are. Don’t take all the blame for our past. We were both too young and broken to make anything work. Stay safe._

Alex prints the email out and keeps it in the drawer of his nightstand. He didn’t expect Michael to respond, and doesn’t want to lose that connection no matter how tenuous it is so he sends another letter.

_Michael,_

_I hate the weather here. Heat I’m used to, but this humidity is hell. Not to mention the bugs. It doesn’t cool down at night like it does in the desert, just stays muggy all the time. I miss our nights by the fire. Even when I had to ruin it by telling you some new horrible thing about my family, I wanted to be there. There was something about those nights, maybe it was the darkness or that fact that we weren’t touching, or sometimes even looking at each other, that made it easier to listen to each other. It is the only reason I found the courage to give the ship piece back to you. I’m sorry I kept it from you. I’m even more sorry I took it back. That’s probably the worst thing I ever did to you, and I can’t even explain why. I think about that night a lot and everything I did, everything I said was wrong. It’s not an excuse, there is no excuse, but I think I was trying to fix everything-the past, my dad, you, me. It was all mixed up in my head, and I fucked it all up. I’m sorry._

It takes Alex two days to work up the nerve to mail it. He’d wanted to send Michael something lighthearted, but instead he’s just proving Michael right. Nothing is easy between them, and Alex will never be good for him. Mailing it feels like another goodbye, and he wonders how many of them they have left.

A few days later, he finally finds a reference to the research facility on an old set of blueprints, and he forces the letter out of his mind. 

He should have expected it to be underground, but at least it’s a basement and not a bunker so he descends a normal staircase rather than a ladder. He directs the small crew he brought with him to open the door and feigns surprise when he finds an abandoned laboratory instead of an empty room. He breathes an internal sigh of relief when at first glance it looks like it was actually used for research rather than torture. There are no cells, chains, examination tables or sharp instruments out in the open. Instead there are a few old computers, a couple of cameras and lots of filing cabinets.

He takes pictures of the few pieces of what look like medical equipment for Liz and Kyle before having the room locked down with a security system only he can access. Then it’s back to performance mode. He goes to the base commander, letting him know having an unsecured and unmonitored facility no one on base knew about is a level of carelessness boarding on actionable. He projects the perfect amount of irritation and frustration at the obvious oversite then promises to handle it himself when he has time. Making it clear that any noticeable interest in the facility will only highlight the commander’s incompetence, Alex goes back to upgrading the long range perimeter alert system and bides his time.

_Alex, I really wish you were here sitting in front of the fire with me. I’d make you look at me so you would know I mean everything I am about to say. Thank you for the apology. I think I needed to hear. But not everything you said that night was wrong. You said you didn’t want to spend the rest of your life stuck in the tool shed. I’d like to think you’re not there anymore. But I also don’t want you trapped in that night in the bunker either. Apologizing is a good thing, but dwelling on it isn’t. I know it isn’t that easy. I’ve been seeing a therapist, Iz, Maz and I all are. That’s probably the only reason I’m not sending you a list of my own failures and shortcomings. It sucks, but it’s helping. There is one thing I need to apologize for. I should have left you chained to that radiator (what does it say about our lives that a sentence like that isn’t about sex). I made a decision about your safety for you and even worse, I left you in an especially vulnerable position without your prosthetic. I took advantage of your disability, and the fact that you are enough of a badass to save yourself doesn’t make it any less wrong for me to have left you there. I hope we can forgive each other and forgive ourselves now. Because I want to end this on a lighter note, next time you want to laugh just imagine what that humidity would do to my hair. Stay safe._

He prints it twice because his hands are shaking so much, he rips the first copy. His first instinct is to immediately start another letter, but he knows his thoughts are too scattered for that. Instead he calls Maria and then Greg. He encourages Maria to catch him up on all the latest gossip and laughs with her about Rosa threatening to disown Kyle after she saw him at Planet 7’s karaoke night. The talk about Mimi and Liz, and he finally says goodbye after her bartender yells for help a third time. Greg listens while he vents about having all this information at his fingertips and needing to wait before doing anything about it. Kyle and Liz quickly confirmed the medical equipment he saw would have been used for monitoring brain activity, heart rates and breathing. They are both pressing for any results he can send them, and he feels like he’s not doing enough. He lets Greg talk him through his plan accepting his reassurance that safety is more important than speed. He says goodnight comforted by the sense of family and acceptance he gets from both of them.

Another week passes before he feels comfortable visiting the lab. He doesn’t linger just stays long enough to remove the computer hard drives and determine there is no film or data card in the computer. He’ll have an easier time going through the data on the secure system he set up at home rather taking the chance on spending any more time on site. When he leaves, there is a manila envelope sitting on his passenger seat. He parks out of range of any security cameras, but it doesn’t matter because as soon as he opens the letter inside, he recognizes Flint’s handwriting.

_I see you found what you were looking for. There is an order coming to destroy everything in the lab, but it will be delivered directly to you so you can delay it if needed. No one at the base knows what went on down there, but you should wrap your investigation up as quickly as possible. Dad took everything of value last time he was there, but he left the research behind. Any file with real information is marked “Trial 2.” The rest are just decoys. Don’t get caught._

Using Flint’s intel, Alex begins removing the physical files from the lab. He visits at irregular intervals, but it still only takes him about six weeks to get everything he needs. He’s about halfway through and still running the computer files through his encryption software when he writes to Michael again.

_Michael,_

_I get what you said about being tired the day I left. I have most of the information from the lab and soon it will be decoded. I don’t want to know. Will it help? I hope so, because I really hate the thought of seeing more evidence of my family’s cruelty. I just want it to be over, but I don’t think it ever will be. Sorry I keep writing to you about all my problems. I’m proud of you for having the courage to see a therapist. I had some mandatory counseling over the years, but since I knew it anything I said could be accessed by my commanding officer and most likely my father, I was never able to be honest. Assuming you found a way around the alien thing, I hope it keeps helping you._

He gets the next email from Michael the same day he successfully decodes the first file. He reads the email first, hoping it will give him the courage to see what horrors he unveiled. 

_Alex, please keep writing. I want to know everything, even the bad things. Don’t worry I haven’t said anything in therapy that will get me committed or put on another government watch list. Sometimes I have to force myself to go, but it is helping. I get why it wasn’t the same for you, but you still need support. Maria says you call her most weeks, and you’re writing to me so I hope that is helping you. I know how hard it is for you to lean on people, but we are here for you. I wish you weren’t alone. If the files get to be too much, don’t read them. Send them to Valenti and Liz and let them figure it out. It wasn’t fair to leave you with all the files that came out of Caulfield. We should have seen how much it was hurting you. I was too trapped in my own pain to think about anyone else, and I know it’s not fair, but I need the information I get to be second hand first. I need the little bit of distance hearing it from you gives me, but that means you get the full weight of my pain. I can’t be the one to help you, but please reach out to someone who can. Maybe Greg? Stay safe._

He prints out the email and sets it next to him as he opens the first file that has cleared his program. There are only five that are fully decoded, and he skims through them quickly. It’s only a fraction of what he’s found, but it’s not horrible. The situation is horrible, these are still prisoners, being held against their will for no reason other than fear and prejudice. He can’t make that anything other than a tragedy, but the after what he saw at Caulfield, the lack of actual torture is a relief. From what he’s read, the focus was on determining how the pieces of the alien ship and other alien tech interact with the aliens. The files are clinical, detailing observations and the results of medical monitoring. He sends everything to Liz and Kyle and makes a note for himself to start cross checking the Caulfield files to see if he can find a pattern to how the aliens were selected for this trial. 

Alex’s life settles into a routine. Working through the files is a painstaking process, and he tries to keep it from overwhelming him. The focus of the research doesn’t change the more he investigates so he flags the majority of the files as medical and passes them on. At some point one of the researchers started a side project trying to translate the symbols and determine if they represented spoken language or were only used in technology. He keeps those files for himself. Once he has all the data, he wants to take his own crack at figuring out the symbols. He wants something to come of all this, and giving Michael his language back would be a start.

For the first time in his life, he misses Roswell. Or at least he’s finally able to admit he misses the people he left there. So he calls Maria and Greg and when Kyle calls about a file he sent, he asks about his mom and how things are going at the hospital. Most importantly, he keeps writing to Michael. Alex doesn’t write about anything he finds in the files, he wants a relationship that isn’t dominated by the past, theirs or their family’s. He tries to keep his letters light, focusing on sharing parts of his day. And Michael responds in kind.

_Michael,_

_I took out my guitar for this first time since I moved here. It felt good to play even if it was just some songs I remembered from high school. I catch myself making music all or nothing. If I can’t dedicate myself to it completely, I stop playing. But all it takes is a few songs to remember how much I love having it in my life no matter how big or small a part._

_Alex, Keep playing because I expect a concert next time I see you. I miss hearing you sing. You know Kyle’s girlfriend left, right. Well, he and Max now have the world’s most boring bromance. And since they may be the two straight men I’ve ever met (Kyle’s fondness for Planet 7 is still a mystery), it really is a bromance. I keep finding them sitting together silently, staring at their drinks. I think they may have started a book club as well. At least Kyle has taken over some of my keep an eye on Max so he doesn’t actually die of a broken heart duties. It will probably all fall apart if LIz ever comes back, but for now they are happy being miserable together if that makes any sense. Stay safe._

_Michael,_

_I adopted a dog. Her name is Maisey, and you can see from the picture, she is adorable. They think she is a pit mixed with either collie or retriever. I wanted an older dog that didn’t need too much activity, and she’s just perfect for me. She just turned six and unfortunately her previous owner passed away so she was a little withdrawn at first, but she’s doing great now. I’ve never had anyone to come home to, and I can’t believe what a difference it makes. She sits with me when I’m going through files and crawls into my lap when she thinks I’m sad. She likes to snuggle at night, and I wake up a lot less often even though she snores. I can’t wait for you to meet her._

_Alex, Is she actually smiling in that picture? I’ve never thought about getting a dog, but you are making me reconsider. I think I’ll just wait to meet your girl first. Please send me a picture of the two of you together. I’ve been worried about you out there by yourself so I am really glad you have her. Make sure she takes good care of you. Stay safe._

Alex reads Michael’s email to Maisey. It might be silly, but he’s told her about Michael, about everyone in his life, but Michael more than anyone else. “You’ll get to meet him one day, girl,” he tells her when he finishes the email and she lays her head in his lap. “He’s going to love you.”

Despite the distance between them, Alex feels like he and Michael are moving toward something. Maybe it’s because of the distance, maybe that’s what allows them to be more open with each other, to start building the friendship they both said they wanted, but never managed to achieve. He takes Maisey for her final walk of the night and lets a little bit of hope simmer.

When he speaks to Maria later in the week, he’s reminded that nothing in his life is ever simple.

“Can you believe the Mayor asked me to put a donation jar at the bar for the Jesse Mane’s Memorial?” Maria rants. “What is wrong with people?”

“What did you say?” Alex forces out as he feels himself going numb.

“I gave him my best smile and put the stupid thing on the bar. And every night I take the money out and give it to the domestic violence shelter.”

Alex lets out a slow breath, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Maria’s voice softens. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I just forget that other people didn’t see the man I lived with.”

“Only because they didn’t want to,” Maria adds. “That’s not your fault.”

He ends the call shortly after that and sits down to write another letter, just not to Michael.

_Roswell City Council,_

_In light of the current fundraising campaign for a statue of Jesse Manes, there are some things you need to be aware of. Master Sergeant Jesse Manes may have spent the majority of his life in the US Air Force, but he was no hero. He had a long history of domestic abuse. The following dates all correspond to emergency room visits made by his wife or children for suspicious injuries. Sheriff Jim Valenti kept a file on Jesse Manes’ abusive actions although he chose not to act on it. If you proceed with your plans to honor Jesse Manes, the file will be made public. Not only will your hero be exposed as a fraud, the integrity of the Sheriff’s department will be brought under scrutiny._

_A Concerned Citizen_

He sends it to Maria to mail so it will have a Roswell postmark and be less likely to be traced back to him. It feels a little cowardly, and maybe he should be able to march into their meeting and tell them what an abusive piece of shit his father was. But he’s still learning how to talk about it honestly, how to even think about what his father did without making excuses or downplaying it. He doesn’t owe Rowell’s City Council part of his process.

Alex hopes the letter will be enough, that he won’t have to release the file, but he will. A public tarnishing of Jim Valenti’s reputation isn’t something he wants, not for Kyle and Michelle, not even for himself. He’d always assumed Jim suspected Jesse was abusing him, but he couldn’t act on it because Jesse was too careful to get caught, and Alex was too afraid to tell the truth. Learning Jim had known exactly what Jesse was doing, not only to Alex, but was also aware of the years of beatings that drove his mother away, had been devastating. Alex wonders if Jim didn’t consider him worth saving, and he holds that pain close, hoping no one else figures it out.

_Alex, I guess the plans for a statue of your father have been abandoned. Why do I think you had something to do with it? Good for you, but I never would have let it happen. Iz would have influenced every person in this town before I let that monstrosity go up. Don’t get me wrong, Rosa and I would have had fun finding new ways to deface it every day, but I know you would never set foot in this town again as long as it stood. I won’t let him drive you away again. Stay safe._

The relief Alex feels knowing he won this round against his father, propels him to write Michael again. But he abandons the light tone of his most recent letters for a level of honesty he could never manage in person.

_Michael,_

_You’re right, I couldn’t live in or even visit a place where a statue of my father stood in judgement of me. And that is what it would feel like. He might as well still be alive just waiting to tell me what a failure I am. Do you know what I feared most about him? It wasn’t the abuse. You know as well as I do how you get used to the violence and pain. No, what scared me most is that he might be right about me. When he was hitting me or choking me, he would tell me how he was doing it for my own good. He would force me to look him in the eye while he told me I was weak and worthless, how if I didn’t change I would be better off dead. He was going to make me into a real Manes man or I would die trying. I could never stop him or fight him off so I felt as weak as he said I was, but my only other choice was to be like him. A coward or a monster, that’s all I could be. After what he did to you, I knew he was right. I was a coward. I think that is part of why I left. I kept waiting for you to see me the way he did. As the weak, cowardly freak who couldn’t protect you and cost you your scholarship and your future. So I went to war to learn to win battles. But when I came home, you looked at me and saw a monster. He was right again._

He spends the rest of the night curled up with Maisey. She sits in his lap and licks his face when he stops petting her. He feels guilty about sending it, but he mails the letter when they go on their evening walk. Once they get back, she herds him to bed, and he falls asleep with her head on his chest.

When he gets the next email from Michael, he stares at the screen for almost an hour before opening it. He can’t help the irrational part of his heart that fears Michael confirming that he sees the worst in Alex.

_Alex, I almost called you when I read your letter, but I was afraid I wouldn’t know the right thing to say to make sure you heard me. I’m not going to talk about your father. Mostly because he doesn’t deserve another second of either of our lives, but also because after I destroyed two of the old junkers at the scrapyard while reading your letter, Sanders threatened to make me deal with old man Carruthers for the next year if I did it again. You are not a coward, a freak or a monster. I will tell you that as many times as you need to hear it. You tried to protect me that day in the shed. I remember that. And everything that happened to me after wasn’t your fault. I couldn’t tell you then, and nothing I say now will take away ten years of guilt. But you know the truth about that night so please believe me when I tell you, even if your father hadn’t found us, my life still would have fallen apart. I won’t lie and say seeing you didn’t hurt sometimes, especially seeing you in your uniform. I felt like you chose the Air Force over me, and I was punishing you for it. I never should have compared you to your father or any other member of your family, especially once we knew what that really meant. I regret that more than you know. I see a lot of things when I look at you, and not all of them are good, but I have never seen a monster. You are the only person I ever wanted to know the truth about me, the only person I wanted to know me. We will have this conversation again, in person, so I can make sure you believe me. Stay safe._

Alex lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. It’s not that he expected cruelty from Michael, but he hadn’t expected his perception of how much responsibility Alex should bear for what happened in the shed to differ so much. He wants to argue that the impact of his father’s violence on Michael’s life was much more detrimental that Michael admits, but he also agrees with Michael that some things are better left in person. There has been a freedom in communicating this way. He trusts that Michael has felt the same freedom, and it has allowed both of them to be more honest, less reactionary. But there are still things they need to be able to say directly to each other, to be able to discuss together. So he puts the email in the drawer with the others, and lets it go.

_Michael,_

_When I talked to Maria last week, she told me Isobel has been helping her plan some events for the bar. I’m glad. I hope they can find a way to figure out what it means for them to be family when they never even thought they could be friends. Maria could really use some support with Mimi especially with Liz and I both gone. And you and I both know what a blessing it is to have Maria DeLuca in your life. I hope Isobel sees that as well. Apparently we are in the rainy season now. I have never seen so much rain in my life. Maisey’s love of puddles is really making me miss the desert. I have to hose her down after our walks now. As you can see from the picture, even more than running through puddles, she loves being snuggled in a towel afterward._

_Alex, When you finally come home, I think we are all going to be more excited about finally meeting Maisey than seeing you. I’m just kidding, but I can’t help showing off the pictures you send of her. She’s just so cute. Valenti’s convinced she’s really my dog, and I’m just hiding her somewhere. Good thing he doesn’t know about my plans to kidnap her first chance I get. Isobel and Maria are interesting to be around. Sometimes I think they are friends, and the next thing I know one of them is storming off. Rosa tells me it’s normal sister behavior, they’re just stuck at middle school levels of emotional maturity. I think Mimi intimidates Isobel, but I’ll mention to Maria that it might be good for all of them to spend some time together. Stay safe._

Almost exactly a year after Alex left Roswell, he gets an email from Michael that makes him think that was a huge mistake.

_Alex, we finally killed Max’s evil doppelganger. I know I haven’t mentioned him to you, but he was the Mr. Jones from 1947. Locking him up is what my mom stayed for, what she had to do before leaving with Tripp. We accidentally let him out after CrashCon. There’s a lot we don’t know, but we think Max is cloned from him. What we do know is that he was an evil bastard, the one who killed the Valenti at the crash site and ruined any slim hope of safety for everyone else, and years of captivity did nothing to improve his personality. He really did not want to be captured again, and he’s been one step ahead of us for a long time. It’s the research you’ve been sending that finally helped us figure out what he was doing and how we could stop him. Thank you for that. I’m a little concerned that the only other aliens we’ve met have been manipulative killers, but it’s not like we have much of a sample to go off of. Regardless, he’s dead now, and I wanted to let you know before someone else told you. Stay safe._

Maisey whines from the couch when Alex starts pacing the living room. He can’t bring himself to reassure her. Instead, hands still shaking, he picks up the phone and calls Michael.

“Alex, I guess you read the email.”

It’s the first time he’s heard Michael’s voice in a year, and he can’t speak. He takes a few deep shuddering breaths and looks at the ceiling, trying not to cry.

“I’m ok, everyone’s ok,” Michael says when it becomes clear Alex isn’t responding to him. “No one was hurt, I promise.”

“Why?” Alex finally forces out. It’s one word, but he knows Michael hears all the questions behind it.

“There was nothing you could do. For a long time it was just a crazy game of hide and seek. It only got serious a few weeks ago, and we handled it. I told you we used the research you found. If we told you, you just would have worried and been upset that you weren’t here.”

“Guerin, I’m trained for this,” Alex snaps.” “I’m the only one with real training. I could have helped from here, I could have helped you track him. And when you needed me, I would have come back.”

“And he would have killed you!” Michael snaps back.

“You just told me no one got hurt. But you think I’m so useless he would have been able to kill me?” Alex laughs bitterly. “You really don’t trust me to protect you.”

“That’s not why. He would have taken one look at you and known what you mean to me. He would have killed you on the spot or trapped you so deep in a nightmare, you would never get out of.”

Alex hears the certainty in Michael’s voice and it chills him. He needs to know what Michael isn’t telling him. “What did he do?”

“It doesn’t matter. I told you it’s over.” Michael protests.

“Michael.”

“I don’t know why he waited so long to act, maybe he needed to get stronger,” Michael begins reluctantly. “A few weeks ago he managed to trap me, Max and Isobel. He wanted us to join with him; he said if we joined our powers we could purge the Earth and rebuild it in our image. When we told him we weren’t interested, he tried to persuade us. What he can do in the mindscape is indescribable, so far beyond what not only Isobel, but also Noah could do. He showed me what it would be like to have my mom, to have been raised by her. He said it was my rightful life that was stolen for me, and I needed to punish the people who took it from me.”

Alex closes his eyes as he hears the tremor in Michael’s voice. There is no comfort he can offer for that.

“That wasn’t the worst of it. As much as I wanted to believe it, it felt like watching a movie. I knew it wasn’t real. When I told him no, he told me I would be sorry, but he let me go. I went home and we started working on a new plan to stop him. The next morning Greg showed up at the airstream and told me,” Michael stops and takes a few audible breaths. “He told me you were dead, killed in a car accident. I don’t remember much after that. I know I went to the Pony and got drunk and cried with Maria. I stayed drunk until your funeral. When they took the flag from your coffin, they took it to Greg, but he pointed to me. They handed me your flag, and all I wanted to do was follow you into the ground. And then I opened my eyes, and I was staring at Mr. Jones. None of it was real, I’d never left the damn cave. But it wasn’t like what he did with my mom, I felt every minute of it, I lived through it.”

“Michael, I’m right here.” It’s a stupid thing to say, but Alex doesn't know how to help. Maisey nudges his thigh, and he wipes his eyes. He hadn’t even realized he was crying.

“I was pretty motivated to stop him after that. We figured out from the files you sent how to turn his mental powers against him using the same glass my mom used to seal him in. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but keeping you away was the right call. I don’t know if you could have recovered if he manipulated your reality like that.”

Alex wants to fight back and argue, but he’s still reeling from learning what Michael went through. His need to take care of Michael surpasses everything else. “How are you?”

“Not great,” Michael answers honestly. “But I’m getting there. Talking to you is helping. I know it wasn’t real, but hearing your voice makes it easier to remember. I don’t know what he did to Max and Izzy. We haven’t been able to talk about it, not with each other. But I’ve talked to my therapist. I mean I told her it was a very vivid nightmare not alien mind manipulation, but we’re working through it.”

Alex wishes he was there so Michael could see him, wishes he could hold Michael when he needed a reminder that Alex was alive. It’s tempting to get in the car and just drive to Michael regardless of the consequences, but reminds himself that Michael doesn’t want him there. “I’m sorry,” Alex whispers, apologizing for all of that and more.

“It’s not you, it’s not your fault. I’m glad you were there, safe. Look, Max is here. I gotta go,” Michael sighs. 

‘I miss you,” Alex rushes out just before Michael hangs up.

_Michael,_

_I know you think you made the right decision is keeping me out of the Mr. Jones situation, but it’s not your call to make. Maybe I could have figured out how to stop him sooner so you didn’t have to go through that. Or maybe you are right, and he would have killed me. Either way it was my choice, my risk to take. And I will always choose to protect you. Hearing what you went through and knowing I’m too late to help you is the worst feeling in the world. I made my peace with death a long time ago, but I can never accept a world without you in it. A lot of the battles I wanted to learn how to win were for you. Let me fight for you._

_Alex, what I hate the most about your letter is that you are right. I did take your choice away from you. I choose to keep you safe without asking for your input. I apologized once for that, but when I had a chance to do something different, I didn’t. And I would probably do it again. Mr. Jones wanted to hurt me as much as possible, and he did that by taking you away from me. I lived for ten years with the fear that you wouldn’t come home. That fear hasn’t gone away. Then you say things like you are at peace with dying, and shit like you said to me that night in the bunker (we still have to talk about that), and I see how you put yourself between me and danger. I can’t risk your life if I have a choice because I need you to come home. You said you missed me. I miss you too. So much. So listen when I say this to you. Stay safe._

Reading Michael’s email, Alex realizes it’s time to go home. Michael is suffering, and Alex is halfway across the country. He destroyed the lab and the decoy files months ago. He can finish the encryptions anywhere. He’s stayed because it was comfortable, he and Michael were both communicating better with distance between them. But Alex needs more than comfortable. He wants to continue building his relationship with Michael,and they are at a point where they need to see each other and be able to touch each other for that to happen. It feels like he’s running out of time.

Alex calls Flint the next day.

“I need your help,” he says as soon as Flint answers.

“I told you to be careful,” Flint’s voice is hard, and Alex tries to ignore how much it makes him sound like their father.

“It’s not what you think. I took care of the facility with no problems. I need out, and you know who can help me.”

“What does that mean, you want out? Request a transfer.”

“No, I want out of the Air Force. I want to go home.”

“You mean you want to go to Michael,” Flint snorts derisively. 

“That’s none of your business,” Alex forces all emotion out of his voice.

“I didn’t believe Dad when he told me kidnapping you would make him cooperate. Why would he take a chance of killing himself, his entire species just to save you?” Flint sounds confused. “After everything Dad showed me, it’s still hard to believe they could be anything like us. That they are capable of feeling something other than hate and violence. But I know he at least believes he loves you.”

“I love him too. I just want a chance to show him.”

“I’ll send you a name.” He hangs up before Alex can thank him.

Flint’s tip leads him to an officer with enough knowledge of Project Sheppard to want to do anything to keep it from becoming public. He also has enough power to help Alex while not being so important that his decisions draw attention. Even starting with the right person, it takes Alex four more months to negotiate his way into an early honorable discharge. 

He and Michael correspond a few times during those months. They don’t talk about Mr. Jones or the fact that they both continue to choose risking themselves in the name of protecting each. They go back to sharing pieces of their lives, talking about easy things like movies and bad days at work. But there are no confessions or baring of their souls. Neither of them mention the future or even the simple honesty of admitting they miss each other. He thinks of it as taking a breath rather than a step backward.

Alex doesn’t tell anyone he’s returning to Roswell, just packs and loads up Maisey and starts the long drive home. He goes straight to Sander’s, but the airstream isn’t there. He doesn’t find it anywhere else he looks, from Max and Isobel’s to Foster’s Ranch, so he returns to his dark and empty house confused and discouraged. 

The next morning he makes sure Maisey is comfortable in her new surroundings and works up the courage to look for Michael in one more place. The Wild Pony’s parking lot is empty. He’s both relieved and more confused about where Michael could be. It’s too early for Maria to have come down to the bar so he knocks on her door.

Maria flings herself into his arms as soon as she sees him. He holds her close and feels like he’s home. They sit in her kitchen drinking coffee and enjoying each other’s company. He waits until they’ve caught up on everything else before finally asking the question he came here for.

“Do you know where Guerin’s staying these days? I didn’t tell him I was coming, but I was hoping to see him.”

Maria’s face falls. “Oh honey, he left town a few months ago. Didn’t he tell you?”

He shakes his head unable to speak past the lump in his throat.

“I’m sure Isobel has his address.”

He thinks of the emails Michael's sent in just the last few weeks when he never said anything about leaving and shakes his head again, “No, he’ll tell me if he wants me to know.”

He leaves soon after, the joy of their reunion diminished by the question of why Michael left town without telling him. When he returns home, he takes Maisey for a walk before digging out the pen and notebook he’s been using to write all year.

_Michael,_

_I know you are still getting my letters so you must have your mail forwarded. I guess our timing is still all wrong. I came back to Roswell yesterday, but you’ve already left. Leaving Roswell has always been a relief, but while I was in Louisiana, I missed it. Or at least I thought I did. It’s nice to see Maria and Kyle in person, to be closer to Greg, but I learned how to keep those relationships even while I was away. All the things I hate about Roswell haven’t changed, but I found a way out of my contract with the Air Force to come back here. And now that I am here, I realize I didn’t miss Roswell at all, I missed you. I wanted to surprise you, to come to you when I was free of the Air Force so you would know I was serious. Maybe if I told you I was trying to come home, you would have told me you were leaving. I thought this was finally our time. I know I was wrong about that, but I still want you to know I came home to you, to tell you I missed you and that I love you._

A week goes by before he gets an email from Michael. He spends that week catching up with his friends and trying to figure out what comes next. Maisey charms everyone, and he halfheartedly looks into the job offers he already received, but he doesn’t unpack, unable to shake the lingering feeling of still missing home.

He stares so long at the subject line, _“Your timing is perfect”_ that he almost misses the fact the email is from the University of Colorado. Heart pounding, he opens it.

_Alex, if I left Roswell and asked you to come with me, would you say yes?_

_PS: My landlord allows dogs._

Alex forwards the address in Boulder to his phone and starts planning his next trip. He lets out a breath he’s been holding and feels the tension he’s been carrying turn to anticipation. He couldn’t admit it, not even to himself, but this is what Alex was waiting for. 

Maisey licks his face and wiggles in his lap, sensing his excitement. He smiles and hugs her close. “We’re going home, girl. For real, this time.” 

_Michael,_

_I hope I get to you before this letter does, but I wanted to put this in writing for you. The answer is yes._

Alex is right, he gets to Boulder before his letter does. Michael opens it in their kitchen with Alex’s arms wrapped around him while he looks over his shoulder, reading along with him as if he doesn't know what it says.

Michael turns just enough to kiss him. “I’m going to ask you another question one day.”

“The answer will still be yes,” Alex says as he holds Michael tighter and presses his lips into the curve of his neck.

“Good to know,” Michael pulls away just long enough to stick the letter on their refrigerator next to the picture from his going away party at The Wild Pony and one of Maisey and Alex in matching University of Colorado sweatshirts.


End file.
